What coaching is like with me
My principles in short:
Discovery over development - We are on a journey of self-discovery together
Growth over fixing - I am here for your empowerment; not to fix you.
Listen over forcing - There is a gentle way. And if often gets us a lot further (while being a whole lot more enjoyable!) I work on all levels of thoughts, emotions, and body, to listen deeper to ourselves
And particularly on emotions, as that's often where we're stuck
Experiments over homework - There are no shoulds, only things to try out and see how they feel, and what works for you.
This also means running iterations and different versions
I like to help you design your own experiments so you can take ownership
I like sharing practices like meditations, breathwork, nervous system exercises, reflection prompts, etc. etc.
The Problem
We are all way too hard on ourselves. and we expect we need to be & do a lot more to be good enough.
To perform at a much higher level where we reeeeeally stretch ourselves and somehow make it sustainable - while believing that most around us actually manage this.Which means that we are terrible, weak, lazy, unvirtuous people, that generally aren't far from being a failure. Or, that we somehow are undeserving of love, respect, worth, etc. because of it.
And, ironically, it is often this being against ourselves that becomes the biggest blockage.
We walk around believing ourselves to be unworthy/broken people. I have been there myself, so I get it. Still am in some ways, to be honest.
But most of the time, I find we are not bad or lazy people; we don't really have the right things to help us. And so we feel lost and think we must be the problem, especially since some other people seem (seem) to be doing fine!
You've tried using willpower and effort enough, haven't you? And it's not working that great, is it?
Trying to manipulate ourselves into building habits we think are good for us. Or thinking if we just put in a little more effort, it will all work out.
I want to offer a more gentle approach. One, where we listen to ourselves instead of forcing/using willpower or try. Where we connect with what we deeply want. Because if we learn to listen, we often discover we have a lot more answers than we think. And I promise you, you will enjoy the process so much more.
Prices:
- For EA people, I do Gift Economy, meaning we see what/if you can give. I see it as a way for me to have more impact
- Otherwise, my rate is sliding scale of 40-70 EUR/1.5 session
- I can give you a batch discount if you ask
Evidence shows the most important thing for a good coaching/therapeutic process is the relationship.
So it's really important to me that you feel good with me. Small fractures will happen, or we will not be going in the right direction. I need you to tell me. I know it is difficult, I find it hard too when I am coached.
I will check in with you about this, both at moments during our session and more broadly how you feel it's going.
I wish you to be open and honest if there is anything - as it will in the end harm the progress we can make - which I really don't wish for you ;)
Types of things I'm used to working with (just to name a few examples): emotions, strategies, career, planning, mental health, neurodivergence, conflicts, relationships, philosophical/existential & spiritual themes, - and generally building a life you love <3
In case it's helpful, here's (some of) the stuff I've worked on with other people:
How you listen/relate to yourself. How you show up in relationships and your work life. Because these things are fundamental, and when you listen to yourself, you will find most answers are already there Basically: Tools for shifting your life :)
Burnout
Unhealthy work-life (full of stress/pressure)
ADHD
Psychedelic integration
General mental health / raising your wellbeing
Depression, stress & anxiety
Phobias [exposure therapy]
Productivity
And - if you're the curious type - a longer version of my principles:
Focus on emotions
This work is most often about understanding - and feeling - your emotions and patterns, and putting things in your life into perspective.
Emotions are ultimately what makes you move; regardless of what you are stuck with - and they are often also the reason you are stuck.
The book Descartes' Error by neuroscientist Antonio Damasio shares a bunch of studies which show, that if the emotional center of your brain is damaged, you now struggle to make even basic decisions. Choosing between a blue or green pen can take 30 minutes. You don't know what you want for breakfast. These people's lives are ruined. They need to be in permanent care homes and cannot work or do much because they are completely inhibited in making decisions. They don't feel their emotions, so they don't know what they want.
We are emotional decision makers. The book also says every decision we make is based on an emotion. We use our logic to predict what emotions an outcome will give us.
Therefore, it's basically always an emotion that makes you want to get somewhere. And it is also an emotion that keeps you from doing it. If you learn to understand, embrace, and process whatever you are feeling, you will almost surely gain clarity on what needs to change, or no longer feel blocked in going forward.
The gentle way
So many of us are used to productivity advice and hustle culture and habit building. But you might have experienced that shit doesn't really work.
I certainly did.
If we learn to listen, we will almost certainly find there is wisdom in our resistance. Something we didn't understand or didn't feel.
And then, we can find what actually works and is applicable to us. Not just some trick we found online that promises to work or something science says generally works for people. It's often the same or similar things BUT, adapted in a way where it feels good to us.
If you know internal family systems, you might know the phrase "no bad parts" - that deep down, it's all coming from a good-intentioned and wholesome place; just expressed in unhelpful ways.
What I propose is to be open to ourselves. And not rebel or judge against what we find internally getting in the way.
Therapeutic alliance: Crucial #1
Science shows, again and again, that the most important factor for therapy/coaching, is the relationship we have.
Look, I cannot stress this enough.
A piece of advice, regardless of whether you work with me or not: No matter who you work with, /this/ is the thing you should keep an eye out for: do you actually feel good with the professional you are working with?
Do you feel safe to express when something is not working for you, or they've disappointed you? If you feel something start to go wrong, you need to share it. Loss of trust, feeling misunderstood, being a bit resentful about the pricing.
It doesn't matter what it is. Professionals are supposed to be able to handle this and not take it personally - so it is also a good test for you to see if the one you are working with is any good.
If they cannot handle these conflicts it is a bad sign.
Feedback helps <me> improve and <us> work faster
Ever been in a coaching/therapy session or receiving advice from your friends, and it's just totally off the mark and you feel awkward but don't want to say it to them?
Yeah, please don't do that with me. I understand, I can also find it difficult with politeness and not wanting to hurt feelings when I receive therapy/coaching.
I am here for you, not for me. And not giving open & honest feedback is also in a subtle way saying we dont think/trust the other person can handle it.
The more direct you can be with what works and what doesn't, the better I can support you. Because I know where you are at, and I get to know when things go off course.
You can say it in the moment, at a later time, or write me. I will be happy to receive and welcome your feedback. I also see it as an exercise in trust
Therefore, I will occasionally check in with you and ask "are we talking about the right thing? Is this relevant/valuable? Do you want us to go somewhere else?"
This also counts for long term things - are you feeling that we actually move in the direction you want? Are you satisfied or does something need to change?
Growth over fixing
Many people promise to help you become the best version of yourself or transformation or live your best life or something like that - I won't.
I won't promise I can transform your life. Only support your growth.
I hope I can help you get some steps closer to where you want to be, and feel less pain around yourself and your life. You are already enough. You are not broken and you don't need fixing.
A little invitation: can you forgive yourself for not being "there yet"?
I try to see and speak to the wise part of you that likely has many of the answers already. In service of that, I give you sparring, reflections, and tools that work for you and help you figure out how to use them.
I am very inspired by Joe Hudson (Art of Accomplishment)
His work is amazing and I use it a lot in my own life and in my coaching practice. It is quite different from any other self-improvement stuff I have found (after engaging intensely for 10 years).
Here's 3 10-min tasters that might be really useful to you:
How to enjoy your work: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hvhzt22JEBE&list=PLIMOFpYrvGIQ_4Zvt1Y_pzbq6TD06NXSr&index=21
How to actually feel your emotions: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uu1gmUlb-kY&list=PLIMOFpYrvGIQ_4Zvt1Y_pzbq6TD06NXSr&index=22
Hacks to be disciplined without having discipline: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHsYO5qkLmY&list=PLIMOFpYrvGIQ_4Zvt1Y_pzbq6TD06NXSr&index=23
I have a playlist of some of my favorites if you want to explore
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLIMOFpYrvGITg_viA-XHXiGopnmO7rb7I&si=P11PbqgNlfZRG0nh
On their podcast, I recommend their "Masterclass" and "Connection course" series. I promise they will shift something for you. I challenge you to try and tell me if they didn't :P
Experiments over homework - and being playful!
I don't give homework. I invite you to run experiments. Approach it like a scientist; try things out, see what works and what doesn't. There is no failure here, only gathering information and making iterations and trying out different things and calibrating.
A short 5-min pointer:
https://soundcloud.com/joehudsonbusiness/how-to-run-experiments
Longer, going deeper:
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=601KESp70OE&t=26s&pp=ygUWam9lIGh1ZHNvbiBleHBlcmltZW50cw%3D%3D
(same episode) Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/6ybtoenVhHfsjhPWAVz12j?si=e1c96cf062cb4cda
I like to incorporate practices into my work
We can either do them together or I can share guidance and resources with you.
Tools/exercises to listen more deeply to yourself - ultimately, it's up to you to find the answers in yourself that will genuinely work with you
Many different kinds of meditations
Breathwork
Journaling & inquiry
Emotional processing exercises
Nervous system regulation
These are part of the experiments I invite you to run, and meant to support listening to and knowing yourself more deeply :)
You're welcome to ask about any of them and I'm happy to share resources.
Influences in my work
More than anything, the work of Joe Hudson/Art Of Accomplishment. Highly recommend their youtube and podcast!
Buddhism/Daoism wisdom traditions
Existential psychology & philosophy
Circling /authentic relating & non-violent communication
Internal Family Systems (IFS)
Psychedelics
Cognitive behavioral therapy
Slow/sustainable productivity - Oliver Burkemans '4.000 weeks', Cal Newports 'Slow Productivity' & Greg McKeowns 'Essentialism'